Review: My wife as an escort: Romantic fools and relationships

Imagine watching your wife sashay into a strange guy’s apartment in a micromini skirt and tight magenta top meowing, “Lip Service Escorts. We aim to please ya’. We take Mastercard and Visa.”

My reaction? I was proud that my wife, who is on the dark side of 50 — OK, 60 — could credibly be an “escort”: “For 400, I can put on my magnifying glasses and enjoy your jumbo shrimp. And for 500, there’s the Moo Shoe Fetish.”

But there’s much more in Rich Orloff’s “Romantic Fools” from Valley Players, which runs for the next two weekends. It’s a no-thinking-required set of 11 playful, risqué playlets that will make you snort in laughter.

For example, Richard Pallaziol plays the world’s worst wedding planner: “Do you want to invite your family or do you want this to be a happy occasion? … If I go over budget, your second wedding is free…”

Then there’s the pair of health food nuts that lost their sex drive. What got it back? Krisi Pilkington transforming herself and her partner (Rhonda Bowen playing a man) from asexual to sizzling by seductively urging “him” to succumb to junk food, for example, “How about a menage a trois: You, me, and Sara Lee?” 

Then there’s the biggest bowl of spaghetti you’ll ever see. The acrobatic Jimmy Adams gives a whole new meaning to “diving into the spaghetti.”

Being serious for a moment (but just a moment), the entire cast and crew deserve a screaming shout-out for their hard work and excellent results. A few special mentions:

The women in the cast prove that women over 40 can be sexy and talented.

There’s Bridget Folan, who, when a guy asked if she’d like a drink, riffed on what one little drinky-poo can lead to.

Then there’s Christina Julian who plays the craziest woman you’ll ever see, complete with handcuffs.

And oh Georgia Taylor: Apart from her Bride-magazine looks and irresistibly posh British accent, she well-played two completely different roles: First, she was the shocked victim of a blind date with a Neanderthal (Bob Silva.) In another playlet, she’s in her wedding gown as the organist is playing, negotiating with her intended, a New Yorker complete with an accent as thick as deli mustard (Randi Storm.) They’re fighting over who would get the house if they divorced.

Storm storms, “What house?! We rent!” Both Georgia and Randi deserve to be, ahem, handcuffed to Valley Players’ future productions.

Debbie Gargalikis Baumann was like a piano: 88 keys of emotions, all tunefully played as she crescendoed from bothered to an ebullient, “I do!”

Lu Kenmouth, a Napa teacher who directs wonderful children’s plays by day but here does the thankless but must-have job of running the lights and sound, which she did expertly.

Patte Quinn and the aforementioned Richard Pallaziol had big roles in the play yet stepped up beforehand to usher when the scheduled ones couldn’t make it. Imagine yourself a half-hour before opening night. Wouldn’t you want time to go over your lines and get into character? Well, those two gave that up so they could welcome the audience personally.

And I gotta say, Patte looked ravishing in a floor-length, emerald sequined dress. More evidence of the wonders of 40+ attractiveness.

And last and as they say, not least, June Alane Reif, the director, and pooh-bah in Valley Players, which is a local theatre troupe that supports women over 40, yet chooses plays and treats the real-life men fairly rather than ganging up a la today’s au courant male-bashing. She’s a fine director that the cast, including my wife, says they love working for.

“Romantic Fools” is an enlivening escape that we could all use in these difficult times. Even if my wife weren’t in the play, I’d honestly encourage you to come to see it. You will laugh … and maybe even go home to have better sex.

See “Romantic Fools,” 11 playlets about relationships on March 18 and 19 at 7 p.m., March 20 at 2 p.m., March 25 and 26 at 7 p.m., and March 27 at 2 p.m. at the Yountville Community Center: 6516 Washington St. Tickets are $25, at the door or reserve at www.valley-players.com.